Mod Sun - Did I Ever Wake Up (Pt. 2)

Learning how to think

I've always gravitated to the word "enlightened"
It seems to be a destination in everyone's GPS,
But what does it really mean?

I believe the word is solely defined by whom you ask
By definition of "enlightened" is an individual
Who can control his or her thoughts
I'm going to share with you a method
I designed years ago on my path to enlightenment
You'll learn how I became
The ring leader of the circus in my mind

But before we get into that,
I must be blatantly clear
I was not always living
In a state of constant positivity
In fact, for 18 years of my life,
I was an extremely stubborn person known
For having one hell of a bad temper

As a child, I spent a lot of time on my own
The first portion of my life,I grew up
In the rural countryside of Corcoran, Minnesota
I really can't imagine a more rounded
Place to be raised in than Minnesota
Growing up there, I got a taste of every season

At 6:30am on a cold winter morning,
The last thing anyone wants to do
Is go stand at the bus stop,
But we had to, and furthermore,
We had to learn how to enjoy it

We lived on a 3 acre farm house
With no neighbours in sight
The only people I knew that existed
Were my mom, dad and sister
My mother was a wholesome lady,
Born and raised in the midwest
My father, a motorcycle riding rebel without a cause
The thought of the two of them being together
Was something like a blizzard in July

They were young and in love,
But my father turned out to be more unfaithful
Than a gas tank on "E", and one day, he ran out
Not just from his wife, but from his children as well
They got divorced, and from this point on,
A woman would teach me how to be a man

During the ages 5 to 10,
I did a lot of moving around
With my mom and sister
I didn't know it then, but we were jumping
From city to city simply to survive

At the time of the divorce,
My mom was working in the warehouse
In my dad's trucking company
When the marriage ended,
so did her pay-checks

Not only that, but my father was doing anything
He could think of to avoid paying child support
She now had 2 kids, no money,
No job, no house and no partner
Mom was standing toe to toe with
The biggest challenge of her life
And refused to blink

I'll never forget receiving care packages
From my grandparents and eating
Oranges for breakfast, lunch and dinner
This all just added fuel to the fire,
She became for determined
Than ever to provide for her family
And change our current circumstances

The only thing to follow a problem is a solution

Eventually mom landed a great job and
We relocated to Bloomington, Minnesota
This environment was very different than
What I had been used to
It's a very populated suburb
That sits just south of Minneapolis
It was built off interactions and relationships
With others, which I had absolutely no skills at

Assuming it would be easy for me
To make friends, mom recommended
I sign up for some sports at school
So I began playing hockey, lacrosse, baseball and golf
Instantly I found myself surrounded by peers
But instead of making friends
I made them my competition

At this point, growing up
Without a father figure
In my life began to affect me

During practices and games, I'd look around
And see my teammates fathers cheering them on
And in some cases even coaching the team
I started to realize my family situation
Wasn't exactly "normal" or similar to most of theirs

Since I spent so much time by myself,
I never learned how to take a loss
I had to be the best and needed
To impress and outshine others
I was very hard on myself and in turn,
Would allow these emotions to boil up
Until I lashed out in fits of anger
Episodes like this would follow me for many years

At one point in school,
My math teacher even recommended
To my mom that I get tested for bipolar disorder
I wasn't in control of my emotions,
They were being controlled by my thoughts

I was very confused and determined to fix this,
So I took matters into my own hands
Here's what I came up with:

Inside my head sits a dresser, you know,
The kind of dresser you keep you clothes in,
With top, middle and bottom drawers
Anytime a negative or undesired
Thought enters my head, I immediately place
It in the bottom drawer and slam it shut
Then, I open my top drawer
And allow the thought erasing to begin
Thats where I keep all the things
That can instantaneously make me happy

It's like how a certain smell can trigger a memory,
Or how a song can magically
Bring you back to a place and time
We all have memories
With past feeling that make us happy
The goal is to place these memories in your top drawer

The moment I open up my top drawer,
Vibrant colours explode into the air
Illuminating music notes, birds, paintings,
Palm trees, oceans and many other beautiful sites
I've captured while travelling the world
Within 1 second, you could completely erase
Any negative thoughts by simply thinking
About things that make you happy
The ability to let go of memories is
One of the most powerful tools we possess

I can honestly forget
About the initial negative thought immediately,
And you can too

Over the years, plenty people
Have told me they think
I have a bad memory
But these people don't understand is that
I have a selective memory
I choose what I want to remember
If I decide to remember something,
I'll be able to tell you everything
About that memory until my dying day

Chapter 4: I'm Selfish

I really like me

To say that you're dreaming right now
Would essentially mean
No one else exists without your effort
It's saying that you're solely responsible
For creating everything in your life that,
Without you, the world would not exist
That's exactly how you're supposed to feel
I'm at the top of my list and
I'm not afraid to admit it
I'm not the least bit ashamed
And you shouldn't be either
The word "selfish" has been abused
And misused since its origin
For some reason,
We've attached a negative connotation
To this misunderstood word
I'm here to restore it's dignity

By no means am I saying you shouldn't
Help out others in need, because in my opinion
There's nothing more gratifying
Than being told "thank you"
What I'm saying is, until you've helped yourself,
You're not helping anyone else

This is your life,
And it's time to start focussing on you

The first song of mine that really caught people's
Attention was called "No Girlfriend"
From the outside, looking in, it sounds
Like a typical rap song about being promiscuous
With a bunch of girls and not being
Faithful with one in particular

Let's take a closer look

I've always had an addictive personality
To things I feel strongly about
Whatever caught my attention at the time,
I would submerge myself in it
When I first saw Travis Barker play drums,
I picked up drum sticks and studied every Blink-182 song
When I first saw Danny Way air out of a half-pipe,
I skated everyday until my shoes had no soles
When I first heard Eyedea freestyle, I started to rhyme

The same went for when I had feelings for someone
The person wouldn't leave my mind for a second
And if I didn't know what they were doing at all times,
It would drive me mad
Then came "No Girlfriend"

I used to record in my moms garage in Bloomington
One night, just as I was about to shut down the computer,
I was hit hard with a moment of clarity
I suddenly realized how significant it was
To have yourself on point before
You offer half of your time to someone else
From here on out I wanted to spent 100%
Of my time focussed on me
I'm a very career driven individual

When I understood this, everything began to click
I would become successful in every aspect of
What I was pursuing before entering another relationship

I'm not saying you should push
Oeople away and become a loner
What I'm saying is, you have the choice
To spend the maximum amount
Of time focussed on you goals
It's you call, but the choice you make
Will be the deciding factor in
How long it takes for you to get what you want

The more time you spend thinking about
What you want, the faster you will get it

I was so inspired by this wake up call
That I had to immediately start writing
The second I put my pen to that page
It didn't stop moving until the song was completed
The first sentence on that page was
"No girlfriend until I make a million"

The reference to making a million
Doesn't have anything to do with money
Rather, it symbolizes a form of success
In the general public's eyes.

Within one our, the song was written
And recorded inside moms garage
It's my right to become successful
And take advantage of the years I've been given

Every dream you want to pursue is waiting
For you to introduce yourself
Now is the time to say "Hello".

The time to hesitate has passed
I've always found it interesting that
You could walk into any establishment
And see one thing about the employees: ages

Old and young people all work under the same roof
You could go into any fast food restaurant
And notice just as many people
Under 40 as you do over 40
The older people are able to maintain a living
And pay whatever bills they may have off
The same jobs you can get as a 16 year old

Spend your years chasing true ambitions
You're never too old, and it's never to late
To dive head first into the dream