Epic Rap Battles Of History - John Wick vs John Rambo vs John McLane

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
JOHN WICK!
VERSUS!
JOHN MCCLANE!
VERSUS!!
JOHN RAMBO!!!
BEGIN!

[Intro: John Rambo, John Wick, John McClane]

[Rambo]
Alright, I guess I'll be the one to draw first blood

[Wick]
Or maybe, you could draw an audience to see any of your new movies

[McClane]
"Come out to the coast, we'll have a few laughs", sounds sweet
But no, I'm stuck here with these two jerkweeds
About to kick their ass with bare feet
Argyle, drop the beat

I'll set it off like it's the top of Nakatomi
Need a fire hose to swing on you, you're both so below me
I haven't stopped killing it since Karl's brother Tony
And I got your detonators right here, blow me (Oops!)
Ship your booby traps home, Rambo
Cause you'll never take the W without the P and O
Does your lip hang low? Does it wobble to and fro?
Can you string that shit up on your compound bow?
And lighten up, Wick, with your brooding saga
How about a little hakuna matata, Baba Yaga?
You got the trousers: tapered, and the watch: Bucherer
But your acting falls flatter than the Hans Gruber!
Leave the underground coin game to Mario Brothers
And John, Bubbe what the fuck's with the chest butter?
That bandolier looks heavy as shit
I'm like this prick's ring finger: only need one clip, c'mon
I been sharp as shattered glass since the late '80s
And, like your late pup, I'll leave you pushing up daisies
Less is more, boys, that's my advice
You, less survival knife, you, more survival wife

[John Wick]
Ooh... I'm gonna need a dinner reservation for two
John Wick, I'm efficient and lean
A proficient professional killing machine
Underworld overachiever lookin' dapper as I'm buckin'
Only one of us to go three chapters without suckin'
Between your elevator and the mine where you were trapped
You're such wieners, I should call you both John Shaft
I craft rhymes with pencils then jam 'em in necks
So I'm not vexed by vets flexin' 'roid-injected pecs
Bein' excommunicado wasn't more than I could handle
So I think I can withstand an excremental ex-commando
And this sad, broken, dad-joking popo is no foe
For the hurt-you-oh-so-bad virtuoso
Ho ho ho to quivers and bows, I'm delivering blows
And when they land, it won't help to make fists with your toes
Bitcoin? No! Hitcoin? Certainly!
I'll put you two in tombs, call it cryptocurrency
Obey your superior like good cops and soldiers
Raven, Roy, you're done, over

[John Rambo]
Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off
Unless it's one of your movies, in which case, I just turn it off! Huh!
When I rip off my shirt and start swingin' my stick swords
I'm hotter than the suicide girls on your switchboards
My headband's red, but I got no love for commies
And no juice was used to produce these armies
Your High Table rules don't apply to this conflict
I'll finish you right in the lobby, mission accomplished
McClane! South is where your marriage went
The last tight thing you slid in was an air vent
They used to say you were a handsome crusader
Too bad your hairline couldn't get saved by Steve Urkel's neighbor
Oh! I slip into the jungle, disappear like a ghost
Then ding! I pop up hot behind ya like toast!
I seek peace but I'm packing parabellum
I was trained to be the very best soldier boy (Tell 'em!)
I'll blast an RPG through NYPD's guts
Simon Says, you can PTSDeez nuts!

[John McClane]
Jesus Christ, asshole! Whaddaya doing?
This is not some Saturday morning cartoon for you to ruin

[John Rambo]
Only thing getting ruined is McClane family Christmas
All your kids still have "decent dad" on their wishlist

[John McClane]
Woah! Rambo's droppin' bombs in his flows
Did your pals in the Taliban help you write those?

[John Wick]
Those were mujahideen, there's a difference
The Taliban formed in the '90s, when you fell off with a vengeance

[John McClane]
Hey! Who the fuck asked you, dog pound?
Why don't you go lock your mouth in a hole in the ground?

[John Rambo]
Hole! Lock!! Arggghhh!!!

[John Wick]
You're both a funeral suit away from presentable
I'm thinking I'm back, and I'm thinking you're expendable

[John McClane]
You wanna die hard? Well, today's a good day
Let's go, motherfuckers! Yippee-ki-yay!

[Outro]
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EEEEEEEEEEEE-glass shatters
-PIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!