Eric Bogle - Santa Bloody Claus

That time of the year is almost on us,
when department stores will cheat and con us,
trying to steal our money from us,
it's Christmas Time in Oz.1
And who's the fat old jolly bloke
with the long white beard and the bright red cloak
who'll do his best to send us broke?
It's Santa bloody Claus.

Who's going to make us destitute? Santa, Santa.2
It's not Paul Keating in a funny suit,3
it's Santa bloody Claus.

And who's the kind old caring chap
who takes screaming kids upon his lap
and promises the little brats
presents to pacify 'em?
He's a generous soul, he's old St. Nick,4
though not too hot at arithmetic,
but he doesn't care, the selfish prick:
he doesn't have to buy 'em.

Who's the man that parents loathe? Santa, Santa.
Causes credit cards to overload? Santa bloody Claus.

Who makes us eat and drink and overindulge? Santa, Santa.
Till our eyes pop and our stomachs bulge? Santa bloody Claus.

So when you hear the sound of a reindeer's hoof
as it lands and craps upon your roof,
if your chimney isn't Santa-proof
you'd better run because
if you don't, then, before you know,
you'll be up to your arse in mistletoe
and then you'll hear «Ho, ho, ho, ho!»:
it's Santa bloody Claus.

Who persuades us to bankrupt ourselves? Santa, Santa.
Sod him, his reindeer and his elves,
Santa f***ing Claus.
Who's as welcome as a dose of syph?
Who goes down like a fart in a crowded lift?
Who's the man we'd most like to lynch,
apart from Steve Vizard or Derryn Hinch?5
Who's the biggest humbug of them all,
apart from Dr. John and Prime Minister Paul?6
With more front than Myers or John Laws?7
It's that old bastard Santa Claus.

8
Dashing through the snow
in his open sodding sleigh.
I wish someone would get a gun
and blow his jingle bells away.
Go ahead, punk, make my day.

9
Good King Stephen once looked down,
on the feast of Wenceslas,
when the snow lay round about,
he slipped on his defenceless arse.

10
Rudolph the Red‑Nosed Reindeer
had a very shiny nose
'cause he's got a drinking problem,
and he started wearing pantyhose.
We think he's becoming one of those.

11


1.
Oz = Aus = Australia.
2.
Reference to Who's that up on the roof?.
3.
Paul Keating was Australia's prime minister from 1991 to 1996.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Keating
4.
The character of Santa Claus comes from the earlier figure of Saint Nicholas (a Greek bishop and a saint).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Nicholas
5.
Steve Vizard is an Australian TV presenter and comedian (wiki)
Derryn Hinch is an Australian TV and radio presenter (wiki).
6.
Dr. John Hewson is an Australian economist and politician (wiki).
Paul is Paul Keating again.
7.
Have more front than Myers = be cheeky or pushy (from Myer, an Australian department store, with a huge 7-storey frontage).
John Laws is an Australian radio presenter (wiki).
8.
Mangling of Jingle Bells.
9.
Mangling of the Christmas carol Good King Wenceslas: a king travels in the harsh Christmas weather to give alms to a poor man, on St. Stephen's Day (Boxing Day).
‟Good King Wenceslas looked out,
on the Feast of Stephen,
when the snow lay round about,
deep and crisp and even;”
10.
Mangling of the Christmas carol Rudolph, The Red‑Nosed Reindeer:
‟Rudolph the Red‑Nosed Reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it,
you would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names;
they never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games”.
11.
The melody here is that of Silent Night.