September stories - Regret

I’ve played with the thought of running
away from what haunts me the most
or maybe just ending the story short
Either would be better than this place that I’m at now
I’ve played this thought over passing
it back and forth between my fingers
enough to make them raw through the skin
Cutting deep into my bones and hitting the one thing
that I’ve held left through these long seasons….my hope
While everything’s come and gone,
that was the one thing that kept me from giving up on going on
Like the times when friends and family tell you
“You’re going to do great things”
but this actually held some sense of meaning in its phrase
Unlike the empty nonsense that’s said to comfort you with the fact that your youth has expired
Some would say it’s wrong and that I’m the liar, but you’ve got a feeling crawling deep under your skin that tells you right
Tells you that this plan that’s been laid out for you isn’t etched in stone
isn’t written to be declared to the generations below
It’s a feeling that’s nestled itself deep in my awkwardly long bones
leaching off the hope that let me endure this tragedy that we like to call a home
It wasn’t always a tragedy, and there weren’t always holes in the walls where holes should never be
There was a time when pictures hung from every free inch of the walls
sporting landscapes and memories that stretch down the entire hall
Showing the life that used to roam freely and the love that came endlessly
But fear is the one thing that led to it’s destruction
This disillusion of fear led us to dismantle what we had worked so hard to build
What we had given so much to find
And within the blink of an eye, or whatever you prefer to tell time... it was gone
This home that had birthed a tragedy, had finally given way to its own.

And yet I still search for way of how to recreate that home
No matter how many pictures I tilt or how many days I cross off in the month of September
I can’t recreate what we had
No matter how many walls you paint or pictures you hang
it’ll never be the same as it once was
It’s like I found myself stuck living in the past holding onto anything that brings some sort of comfort, or at least won’t bring any pain
And you’ve got that pain wrenched deep under your skin
crawling into any crack and crevice, finding any way to get in
And that void that you’ve got that you feel in your limbs
It can’t be cured with any pill or needle
The things that you use to numb the gnawing bite until it fades into a dull tick
No... only something greater than yourself can fill that void that you’ve been trying to satisfy for years
That void is the same pain that’s made itself home in my awkwardly long bones
And I wish I had the guts to confront what haunts me the most
And I wish I had the ability to take a chance without the fear of falling
But I think I’ve finally discovered what keeps me up at night when I’m all alone
That’s the pain that’s made it’s home in these God forsaken bones