Falsettos - A Day in Falsettoland/Racquetball

[WHIZZER, spoken]
A day in Falsettoland
Dr. Mendel at work

[MENDEL]
I don't get it
I don't understand
In the '60s, everyone had heart
In the '60s, we were all a part of the same team
In the '60s, we had a new world to start
Could this–
Oh God, don't say it is–
Could this be the new world we started?
Here I sit, brokenhearted and...

[CAROLINE, spoken]
You go out on the street, and there's all these people asking for a handout. Then you go home, you open your mail, and it's full of people asking for a donation. Then, you turn on the TV, and there's pictures of starving children in Ethiopia

[MENDEL, spoken]
And how does that make you feel, Diane?

[CAROLINE, spoken]
Caroline

[MENDEL, spoken]
Caroline?

[CAROLINE, spoken]
Yes, my name is Caroline
My God!

[MENDEL]
I don't get it
I've been left behind
Half my patients: Yuppie pagans
Modeled on the Ronald Reagans
Now the world is too pathetic
And I don't get it at all

[CAROLINE, spoken]
Now that I got the promotion, can I finally stop sleeping with my boss?

[MENDEL, spoken]
Time's up!

[CAROLINE, spoken]
You always do this!

[The patient exits.]

[MENDEL]
At least there's Trina at home
Trina in bed
Trina obsessing
And sort of caressing
My head with her feet
I once thought it was sweet
But I don't anymore
Now I just snore
'Cause I'm so exhausted
Listening to these yuppie farts complain
Listening as their shallow hearts explain
Their lives

[CHARLOTTE, spoken]
Trina works it out

[Trina enters, stretching, and dressed for a work out.]

[TRINA]
Marvin's back with Whizzer
Just like how it was
If I don't like Whizzer
It's because my ex sure does
Why should that upset me?
Sometimes I'm a lout
Mendel serenades, and Jason calms me
Why should I be wilting
When their precious love is not in doubt?
Work it out!

[JASON, spoken]
The neighbors relax after work

[Cordelia enters with food. Charlotte enters their home.]

[CORDELIA]
How was your day at the hospital?

[CHARLOTTE]
Unbelievable
What is that smell?


[CORDELIA]
Nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine
I've been practicing
Cuisine, bar mitzvah, nouvelle

[Cordelia hands Charlotte some food. Mendel joins Trina, now also dressed to work out.]

[MENDEL, spoken]
Hi, honey

[CORDELIA]
Well...?

[TRINA]
Hi, honey

[MENDEL]
How was your day?

[TRINA]
It was terrible
Did you hear that Marvin's back with Whizzer?
Marvin's back with Whizzer!

[MENDEL]
Drop it, sweetheart
Give it up
You know I love you
What's the matter, Trina darling?
I don't get it
Why can't you let go?

[TRINA]
Maybe in a mile, I'll be okay
I'll be happy when we finally have this bar mitzvah

[MENDEL]
Isn't it enough
I want you every night?

[TRINA, spoken]
Who?

[MENDEL]
Every other night?

[TRINA, spoken]
Me?

[MENDEL]
Every third night?

[TRINA]
Hm...

[MENDEL, spoken]
Okay, let's drop it

(sung)
Everything will be alright

[TRINA]
Everything will be alright

[MENDEL & TRINA]
Everything will be alright

[Cordelia has just poured Charlotte a martini.]

[CORDELIA]
How was your day
At the hospital?

[CHARLOTTE]
It was wonderful
For the first time in months
Nobody died

[CORDELIA, spoken]
Yay..?

[CHARLOTTE]
There were just
Heart attacks and gallstones;
Light bulbs up the ass;
Fake appendicitis which was gas
Which I diagnosed;
People overdosed and I saved them
I saved young people, old people
One priest and one high school principal
Saving lives, I feel invincible
Yes I do
Do you know how great my life is?
Do you know how great my life is?
Saving lives and loving you

[CORDELIA]
You save lives and I save chicken fat
I can't fucking deal with that!

[CHARLOTTE]
Do you know how great my life is?

[CORDELIA]
Yes, I know how great your life is

[CHARLOTTE]
Do you know how great my life is?

[CORDELIA]
Yes, I know how great your life is

[CHARLOTTE]
Do you know how great my life is?

[CORDELIA]
Yes, I know how great your life is

[CHARLOTTE]
Saving lives

[BOTH]
And loving you

[Marvin and Whizzer enter, dressed for Racquetball and holding racquets. Whizzer is all in white, looking great. Marvin is in baggy and colorful jams, looking baggy. No ball is used; rather, when they make a shot, the racquet scrapes the floor and sounds like a ball ricocheting off a racquet. Their scene is played in the court. In the course of the scene, Whizzer decimates Marvin, as you would expect.]

[WHIZZER]
Ha
It bounced twice

[MARVIN]
No, it didn't

[WHIZZER]
Yeah, once, then twice
You know it did

[MARVIN]
That's not nice

[WHIZZER]
No, it isn't
But you're a pain in the ass

[MARVIN]
You're a beast
But, at least
When you play me, you win

[WHIZZER]
You give up

[MARVIN]
I perspire

[WHIZZER]
Where's the heat?
Where's the fire?
Used to be you desire
To fight!
So fight!

[MARVIN]
So play!

[Whizzer doesn't move an inch; he's in total control. Marvin is killing himself trying to get his racquet on the ball.]

[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!

[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!

[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!

[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!

[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!

[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!

[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!

[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!

[Finally, by mistake, Marvin hits a good shot.]

[WHIZZER]
Lucky dink!

[MARVIN]
I'm finessing

[WHIZZER]
Something stinks in how you play

[MARVIN]
Don't you think it's a blessing
I'm so pathetically bad?

[WHIZZER]
Just stay back
Serve with force
I'll attack
And, of course
I will win
Just give in
To bliss
And kiss...

[MARVIN]
Let's go!
Do you know?
All I want
Is you
Anything you do
Is all right
Yes, it's all right
Do you know?
All I want is...
You

[WHIZZER]
Down the alley
High lob
Low drive
Ceiling shot
Into the corner
Four walls
Dink

[WHIZZER, spoken]
What?

[MARVIN, spoken]
What?

[WHIZZER]
Hit your shoe

[MARVIN]
No, it didn't

[WHIZZER]
Yes it did
The game is through

[MARVIN]
That's not nice

[WHIZZER]
No, it isn't

[MARVIN]
God, you're a pain in the ass

[WHIZZER]
Play it raw
Don't play pretty
Sex and games
In New York City
Have got to be played with flair
And passion
And passion and flair

[MARVIN & WHIZZER]
Do you know
​all I want is you?
Anything you do
​is alright
Yes it's alright

[CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
Do you know how great my life is?
Do you know how great my life is?
Everything will be alright!
Everything will be alright!

[MARVIN, WHIZZER, MENDEL, TRINA, CHARLOTTE, CORDELIA (dispersedly)]
Everything will be alright!
Everything will
Everything will
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright
Feel alright
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your
Rest of your
Everything will be alright!