The Stupendium - Unlikely Cyphers: The Muppets

Kermit:
It's the Muppet Show Cypher! With our very special guest, uh... half of nerdcore!
Yay! (Ahem, I got a frog in my throat)

No Sesame, this frog ain't one for the kids
Talk to Goggles and Croaker it's water under the bridge
Coppers always act disturbed when Kermie comin' up big
Every cuffin' season I got trouble with pigs
I been, hip-hoppin' since my days in the swamp
Wavin' arms the way that Mr. Dawson taught me to talk
I keep glocks for my TV spots
I got sausages and coffee pots and easy shots
I'm able to gloat, a fable 'til the day that I croak
Flow so cold, I'm happy I was made from a coat
You can take Manhattan, take the whole damn scene!
I got a pad in every lake, it's kinda easy makin' green

The Great Gonzo:
Backup the forklift, unload the crate
Give a round of applause for Gonzo the Great!
I know more folk don't want smoke today
But my flow's explosive, so, bombs away!
All hail the Great Gonzo-rella
Am I he, Am I she, Am I omnigender?
Check none of the above, love, I'm whatever
(chicken noises) Come on Camilla!
Nobody is gonna be telling me what is and isn't canon
When my salary decrease, I make my livin' in a cannon
And in half a zoton, Gonzo's the boss hog
Was lost, but don't wanna go home to Oznog

Rizzo the Rat:
You can leave it to me to put the rat in the race
I'm in it for the cheese like I'm trapped in the maze
Got anything to eat? I'll be snacking all day
Who took my jellybeans! Oh, I stashed them away
Don't look to Rizzo for a rat that is brave
But I know slapstick like a smack in the face
Always comin' up with something sarcastic to say
Any kind of fourth wall I will happily break
Cause me and Gonzo know how to handle stories
But don't look down I can't handle stories!
Despite my massive fear of heights
There's nothing come between me and my appetite

Scooter:
Scootch over, This Muppet's here to show the ropes
My uncle runs the theatre, but I stole the show
While not quite the puppeteer, I am the gofer so,
When it's time to bust some lyrics then I go for flow
Got a load of roles that I'm supposed to manage
Want some toast to go? You got it
Want some cocoa bro? You'll have it
Want a fabric that's rappin' so rapid as if it's fast fashion
I'm jackin' this track up with the flashy green track jacket
Ask how I rep that swell drip, I'm selfless
I could fill a whole big clipboard with felt-tips
Tech boss and I like computers
But no desktop has a drive like Scooter's

Fozzie Bear:
Let me get the crowd warmed up 'til they hem and they haw
Think it's all dried up? I can get a guffaw
Ain't nobody rope the dope, I flow control and I host the show
'Til they know for sure I got jokes yo
Ay, what do they call a bear who pulls jokes on folks that get old?
Unbearable.
Hey the show goes on yeah, I'm just sayin'
I won't stop 'til we're all famous
Ya da da da, da da dah! Hah!

Statler: You know what?
Waldorf: What?
Statler: Whenever I hear Fozzie Bear, my first thought is always McGuire
Waldorf: Yeah, Mc-Why-are-we-still-listening?
Statler and Waldorf: (laughter)

Dr, Bunsen Honeydew:
We're Muppet Labs and we came to say
This is where the future's being made today
Oh dear, you can hear that my rhymes are rather tragic
That's precisely why we've built the Muppet Labs Rap-O-Matic
One flip of a switch and I'll be spitting completely

Beaker: Meep meep meep mee mee mee mo
meep meep mee mee mee mi mi mi

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
The risk of a glitch? Don't be ridiculous Beaky
Hmm, bit of a hitch, seems it is overheating
Beaky did you forget to check the lexical accelerator?
As you can see, my assonant speed is fast as can be
Beaky check the breaker, twiddle the knobs, rip out a cog
Hit the lyrical clock with a brick or a rock
My hippety-hop is the tippety-top
But I think we should stop and be switching it off
Oh! Oh! Beaky you broke it!
Beaker: Meep!
Dr. Honeydew: That'll be coming out of your paycheck
Beaker: Meep mee mee mi mi mo, mohhh...

Dr. Teeth:
Smoke kief with the show's chief, I'm the brainstem
Most peeps don't got soul beats payin' their bills
Tones deep through my nose breathe, in the mayhem
Cold beast with the gold teeth call me Bear Grylls
Organ got them pipes, and I got the piece ready
Turned cathedrals to theatres and left the seats sweaty
You ain't never gettin' bored when I slam the keys heavy
Yeah, they call me doctor cause I keep the beat steady
I ain't one for G major, skippin' over the beat break
Improvise on my sheets and flippin' into a key change
I'm countin' out my dough while they're jammin' on my Cheesecake
Gold records sold as my legacy gets replayed!

Rowlf the Dog:
That mad mutt Muppet, you must muffle and muzzle him
Flow is so dirty, there's much more than muck muddled in
Tatty and unkempt, so actually the main G
Couldn't tame me with a chain leash or lame treats
Take a big pause (Woof! Woof! Woof!) like a St. Bernard stomping
The kennel's going off, even got Churchill noddin'
When there's a frog in your throat it's like Kermit's coughin'
I'm a Great Dane, you're mundane, it's done mate
Underdog's winning this eight ways to Sunday
Lookin' all puzzled like the throw was fake
You better chuck us a bone or we can do this the rough way

Animal:
Agh! Ah! Arghhhhhh! Arggr! Grrrbrbrrlk!
Yeah, let me kick it back a couple decades and be frank for a sec
I'm the baddest bitch to bring a beat and bang on a set
Who's the maddest of the band? I think you'll hazard a guess
Rappers jealous of the fattest chain that hangs 'round my neck
Sanity ain't pals with me, it hangs by a thread
No sticks? No problem. I'm just bangin' my head (Okay!)
Yeah, ask around I'm the man they fear
Skirt-chasing vermin, y'all should get the women outta here
D.R.U.M. say the word, and I might appear
Bang, ba-bang, ba-bang, bang, onomatopoeia
Eclectic playin'! Electric mayhem!
Ya need another banger? Aight bet, just say when

Waldorf: You know, Schwabadi calls himself the werebear?
Statler: He does?
Waldorf: Yeah, because listening to him wears you down!
Statler: And I can't bear it!
Statler and Waldorf: (laughter)
Statler: Oh, it's the pig

Miss Piggy:
Make way for moi, after I go I leave you in awe
Yeah, I'm the pink diva with the main chutzpah
High class, en masse, hold the hem and haw
We're fine, divine, thank you, pardón?
You upstage me?!?! Hiyah!
Some say I'm way too much, but I say they're not enough
When I make a scene I'm getting that green
And I ain't just talkin' bucks!
Au revoir mon cher, my time is up!
Wait! That's all I get!!!!

Sam Eagle:
Hmph! Look at all this nonsense around me
The lack of decency and integrity is astounding
My word! This cypher has gotten out of control
These misfit degenerate freaks have got to go!
We needed some American rappers on the stage
We should have called Iggy Azalea, maybe Drake
(Mhm) So proud, so majestic
You should know that I am not the birdy to mess with
Mr. Kermit, here's a suggestion, perhaps don't add buffoonery in the next bit!
A bunch of weirdos and nerdies
It's hard to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys

Pepe the King Prawn:
Okay, now listen what I gotta say
Watch me tippy-toe on stage as I do ballet
The shellfish with the drip and the ice, Dwayne Swanson look-alike
You won't believe that this prawn actually fried your rice (Okay?)
I'm a prawn not a shrimp, I'm a player not a simp
I got married, I've got kids
The martial artist himself, Goro in disguise
Master of tae-prawn-do, catch you by surprise
Okay? Now prawn-to as I finish this up
The angel in the heart, the Muppet that will make you laugh
Dios Mio, where's my manners, I forgot to say
I'm Pepe the King Prawn! Okay?

Lew Zealand:
A fish is a normal fish if it lives and it swims in a pond or crick
And it doesn't exist as a fried dish served with chips
And it's also not, a boomerang fish!
Flying! Fishy! Boomerang!
I'm sardine to wreak haddock, but salmon's gotta do it
(Ugh! That's terrible)
Tilapia be the dude, throw a fish around the room
But barramundi when I do, it's coming right back to you!

The Swedish Chef:
Scoot and make way for some flavorsome Scandinavian
Throw the pot and for the show, put on your aprons
A handy Scandi, pantry vigilante, handy dandy
Flambeed Ramsay in de vanny, sendy packin' with some Gaviscon
I used to trust a blunderbuss when huntin' for the chickie
But they sendy a beretta when Jim Hansen left the kitchy
Disobedie gredies really need to quitty bitchy
Felt is mighty high in fiber and my trigger finger's itching

Singing Food:
He doesn't carrot all, he won't lettuce get away
This caper won't re-lentil he gets his five a day
And if this is the endive shallot I wanna say
Swede, beet-ing up the celery's a little underpaid
(I don't wanna daikon!)

Swedish Chef:
Tell me who's gonna listen to a talking gourd?
Checky lingy where de lingyberry sauce gets poured
If you're in a picky fixin' up a smorgasbord
Well the best recipuden have a Bork! Bork! Bork!

Statler: Say, that's the end of the cypher. Why didn't we get a verse?!
Waldorf: A verse? I'm averse to making this thing any longer!
Statler and Waldorf: (laughter)
Statler: This was a terrible idea!
Waldorf: Hm, that's it.